Dilemma

I experienced a problem that I have had in the past. I was wondering what or how others deal with it. This is what happened. I have a Fistula in my right forearm, it’s quite strong and tends to be quite tender. The nurse administered the lidnocaine which can in itself be very painful at times(sometimes it doesn’t hurt at all). Now I like to count to 40 before I want the 1st needle to go in, I feel safe that the insertion of needle will be painless. That wasn’t the case this time, it was like there had been no lidnocaine given. Now my dilemma is… When told “it’s ok it’s in, it’s in, it’ll settle” do I accept that even though I am trying not to cry and part of me wants to shout and it’s hurting like hell hoping it will ease but yet part of me is thinking of her and how she must be feeling causing me pain OR do I tell her to remove the needle knowing that’s going to extend the time of being put on and start all over again? And now she’s anxious, I am anxious and it’s all very tense. As it happened the 2nd needle also caused pain and had to be removed, all in all it took the best part of an hour to put me on. Now I am in a quandary, I don’t want her to feel she needs to stay away from me, my trust in her is not broken but sometimes it is difficult or it is for me to be direct and state what is best for me. You’d think after 11 years of dialysis I’d have got this sorted by now!